The only constant is change. (the most serious post you will ever see from me)

     On Tuesday night, at one thirty in the morning, I checked myself into the Emergency Room for heart palpation, pain in the chest, neck, and back. I was unable to sleep for two nights in a row because of the awful pounding in my chest. I couldn't think of what was wrong, why any amount of deep breathing wouldn't slow my heart, at least to the point where I couldn't feel it. It felt like I was nestling it in my arms as I laid on my side, trying to not burst into tears with frustration at being the most tired I have ever been and not being able to sleep, not even a bit.
 The doctors couldn't find anything either, after poking me twice for an IV and giving me three bags of IV fluids, which has to be one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever, like icy fingers invading my veins, an EKG scan, a chest x-ray, and not being able to drink any water for five hours. They came up with a perfect bill of health and a suggestion to see heart specialist for the fast rate. They chalked it up to anxiety. And let me tell you my friends, anxiety is real. And anyone who fakes it should be punched solid in the jaw. And now to deal with more than just the "oh shit, I need to get that out of the car in the morning, and get this at the grocery store" worries running constantly threw my mind.
  For the past year I have been traveling around California with my now ex boyfriend. The boy that I thought I would marry, actually didn't even feel like I had a choice but to marry and spend the rest of my oh so wonderful life with him. Well within the first week of dating I should have seen he still had a bit of an obsession with his ex girlfriend. Unfortunate, but real. So of course I spend two more years with him just to break my own heart basically. So now that we aren't together, I have no idea where I am, I have my own perspective back and I am looking at my life and asking myself how did I get here? And demanding myself to never loose perspective of who I am and where I want and need to be in my life again. My journey has been fantastic of course, I have taken more chances and slept in my car 'homeless' than I ever thought I would. I have met so many wonderful people and experienced other lifestyles and really gotten my own opinions on things. And I have really learned that I never want to stop moving, copious amounts of travel are so good for the soul, as long as you are prepared, mentally, that is for me.
 So this whole journey was to get back into school. It almost happened in LA, where I lived with the ex (we'll call him Jon) and his best mate in this tiny community style apartment building. Let me paint a picture for you, me with two boys in a 10x22 room with a kitchen and bathroom that is shared by the other 25+ tenants. And we lived like that for a year. I got accepted and went to the orientation at FIDM, The Fashion Institute for Design and Merchandising. Yes, that big school that was on Project Runway. It was a dream for a couple of days, but then money just didn't flow and after a week of knowing it wasn't happening I realized how much of a dunce I was, paying sixty thousand dollars for an AA degree at a school that you are really just paying for the name on a resume, not the education. I am not in anyway degrading the school, that just isn't my kind of education. I might also just be saying it because I couldn't afford it, but I digress. When I moved up to Humboldt county with Jon, it changed my life. I worked on an organic farm in Willow Creek, California, with my childhood best friend and her boyfriend.

We all lived in a 10x12 and got dirty in the field all day, and spent the rest watching movies, eating, and hardly showering. I think that would have been some of the best months if we either had a better boss or a better attitude on everything. Either way that time really opened my eyes up to how closed my mind was. I have always prided myself on how understanding I was on different aspects of life and of others opinions, just the world in general really. But then I started learning the truth about food and then how that you can't even believe the truth on food and then how you can't even believe that. I learned that I was very naive on just about everything in the world and basically if you think you know something to be true, it usually isn't. That may be a pessimist outlook, in a way it is very optimistic. I won't get my hopes up so high and I won't be disappointed, because that is what stings the most out of any emotion.
After a few months on the farm, we decided it wasn't healthy mentally to be pushed around all day, so we left, camped out for a couple of weeks and then found a spot with an amazing family for two months. This whole time I should add I am working at the local natural foods store, so I am making income. We did choose to live the way we did for that time. Anyways, that family again opened my eyes up to the question of 'What the hell am I doing?!'. Every single member of that family was bad ass. They all had a skill they had either mastered or were working every single day at. While I most days just watched movies or found other ways not to get off my bum. From them I learned to really look at what I have passion for, and run-sprint with it.
After that we decided to get an apartment in Arcata, a town on the coast about 45 minutes away from Willow Creek and I didn't spend a whole week there. I always spent the night inland so I didn't have to drive so much for work. That was one of the most stressful times, besides now I guess, thus far. I was doing everything. I had to plan everything. Every. Single. Thing. was on my shoulders. I felt like I had a baby, seriously. It was so unhealthy and that is when Jon and I split. No one was happy, it was the very best thing that could have happened at that point. That was after living in the very expensive studio apartment for about four months. He moved, I sold the apartment and have been house sitting since. That is the beautiful thing about this area, I have been 'homeless' for a month, but I have had places to stay because I have been able to house sit, it's absolutely amazing.
Without my family, the many friends I have here and otherwise, and a certain someone working with me all this time, I would be a pile of worthless mess. I consider myself a strong person, but if you don't deal with events  and emotions as they come in, even if it seems like it doesn't bother you, it can really pile up. This is what I have learned and what I am going threw now. Sorting out this confusing tangle of events and see how they really make me feel.
And if you have actually read this whole thing, you have been added to the list of saints. I needed to write this just to get it out, just to really go threw it with myself and maybe sharing it and letting others into my life will help too. I don't intend for this blog to be just a place for me to vomit out my problems, so expect shorter, lighter entries from now on!
                                                                          Thank you.